The fourth UMCG event at Forum drew a sold-out audience on 4 November. The theme of men’s mental health clearly resonates. How do men deal with their emotions, and what can happen if they keep swallowing them? The stereotype of the tough man remains widespread: men are expected to be strong, ambitious, self-confident, and the breadwinner. Right?
Frederike Jörg, researcher at the University Centre for Psychiatry and Programme Director of Mentaal Gezond Groningen, sees how deeply the tough-man stereotype is ingrained. ‘Boys learn early on: don’t cry, don’t complain. Vulnerability is seen as weakness. Yet staying silent actually worsens mental health problems.’ Men experience feelings of anxiety or depression just as often as women, but they are more likely to hide them. Much more often than women, they seek distraction in alcohol or drugs. ‘It’s not about boys needing to express everything,’ says Jörg, ‘but about knowing there is space for their feelings, and that adults learn to truly listen.’
Diana van Bergen, Associate Professor in Youth Suicide Prevention, adds: ‘Women talk and seek help more readily. Men often hide their feelings out of shame or because they want to solve things themselves. Sometimes they express signals subtly, for example through dark humour. It can be hard to know what to do as a friend, parent, or colleague, but tackling those difficult conversations is crucial. Talking about depression or suicide, and offering a listening ear, can make a real difference.’
She also highlights risk groups: middle-aged men experiencing work stress or the loss of a job or partner, and young men in social groups under strong pressure to appear tough. ‘Those who don’t talk or hide their feelings are at greater risk of serious problems or suicide.’
Without a father and with a mother who struggled with mental health problems, Koert Greving mainly learned to survive as a teenager. ‘Being strong meant not breaking down. I didn’t know what it meant to be a man, or how to be one.’ He assumed the father role early, did not talk about his feelings, and processed everything in silence. Years later, his body forced him to stop. ‘I was exhausted. No energy left.’
Only when one person truly listened, asked questions, and referred him to therapy did he begin to open up. Today, Koert helps as a peer support specialist at Accare, an organisation for child and adolescent psychiatry, supporting young people and families.
Societal expectations place considerable pressure on men. Hessel from Emancipator, an organisation working to change societal ideas about men and masculinity, explains this using the so-called ‘man box’. He challenges audiences to declare what makes a real man or a real woman. Men are therefore expected to be ‘tough’, ‘strong’, ‘don’t cry’, ‘don’t show fear’. The narrower the box, the harder it is to be yourself, he explains, and this can lead to stress, loneliness, and aggression.
‘But how do you deal with this as a parent?’ a participant asks. ‘As a parent, friend, or teacher, you set an example,’ Schaaf replies. ‘Pay attention to your words, compliments, and approach. Show that emotions are normal and display vulnerability yourself. This gives boys the space to explore their own feelings.’
Filmmaker Joep van Weelden, in his documentary Suikerwater, illustrates how group dynamics among young men reinforce showing off and competitiveness. ‘In friend groups, this behaviour is often unconsciously reinforced. It’s not just about learning what is acceptable, but about becoming aware of how you treat each other, setting your own boundaries, respecting those of others, and trying to talk openly about it.’
The topic clearly resonates, as shown by the many audience questions. The threshold for seeking professional help can be high. One participant asked: ‘Could you use ChatGPT as a conversation partner when you’re not feeling well?’ Jörg responds: ‘Sharing your thoughts anonymously online can definitely help, for example via specialised platforms like In je bol. ChatGPT can respond empathetically, but it is not a therapist, it mainly chats with you. Real contact with people around you or with a professional remains essential.’
On the Mentaal Gezond Groningen website, you can find practical tips and tools, including the platform In je bol, where young people can explore what helps them feel better.
Thinking about suicide or worried about someone? Call 0800-0113 or chat anonymously via 113.nl.
